Wild, Wild Life

One of the first mornings we slept at the house, Hal took Sarah out for a walk in the neighborhood, and on the way in through our back yard, he discovered the severed front third of a deceased cat under our apple tree.

He came in pretty shaken by the find, just because the corpse was so clean. "It's like a Kitty Dahlia," he said, refering to the disposition of the bloodless, severed body in the unsolved "Black Dahlia" murder. Actually, my first thought was coyote, but just the idea of a human being in the neighborhood dismembering cats and leaving the remains strewn in our yard is, indeed, pretty disturbing.

So Hal called the police to have the find on record. The police said that there were no similar reports on file, and, on viewing the pictures Hal e-mailed them, opined that in the absence of any ritual symbols or other indicators, it probably wasn't humans what caused it, and suggested Hal call Animal Services.

Animal Services, when called, were short staffed and couldn't be arsed to come out same day, but said leave it and they would send someone out over the weekend. I have no idea if in fact they did ever show up over the weekend, but by the next morning it was completely moot anyhow. Something had been by and eaten the rest of the cat, except for a bit of the jaw with the teeth in, and the cat collar (no tag, only a bell). I ticked that off as another pro-Coyote-Theory indicator.

Just the other day when we met the backside neighbors we told them about the cat and heard back that neighbor John had in fact disturbed a coyote and a possum in our yard early one morning when he headed off for work. He was quite surprised to see coyote in the area. I pointed out that there's a long, wild canyon that's preserved as parkland just the other side of the arterial south of us. Perfect for coyote dens, really.

Then just yesterday, while Hal and I were scouting for new places to brunch, I spotted a coyote in the flesh. He was just standing in the middle of one of the Boeing auxiliary parking lots, looking around him as bold as you please. Good sized beast, with a nice, healthy coat on him, he obviously didn't feel shy about traffic or being away from cover. Very much the picture of the acclimated (sub)urban coyote, he was. So, Kent very definitely has coyotes.

We've been doing what we can to keep Tinka indoors at night. It's only been semi-successful. We'll have to trust in her semi-feral kitty survival skills, I reckon, because as long as we're leaving windows open at night, there's no keeping her in if she don't wanna.

Dear Press Corps of the World

Please learn to do you own mother-cussing, dog-danged, frog-humping jobs. I'm willing to help you if its within my bailiwick. I am not willing to do your job for you.

Sample phone conversation:

Me: "Department of Bumfology, akirlu speaking."

Caller: "Hi, this is Wanda Cluedodger, of KDIM-TV news, and I'm putting together a story on the public reaction to the rise in snozzfoggling. May I speak to one of your snozzfoggling experts, please?"

Me: "Actually, I don't believe we have anyone on the faculty who researches snozzfoggling."

Caller: "What, nobody there AT ALL does snozzfoggling? What about snoozefugling?"

Me: "Well, technically, snozzfoggling AND snoozefugling aren't really part of the study of bumfology at all. If I had to guess, I'd say they were more likely to be researched in a department of parabumfics."

Caller: "Can you connect me to the Department of Parabumfics, please?"

Me: "I'm afraid Generic U doesn't have a Department of Parabumfics."

Caller: "Can you give me the number of a college that DOES have a Department of Parabumfics?"

Me: "I have no idea what colleges may have departments of parabumfics. You might try Generic State, I suppose."

Caller: "Can you connect me?"

And so on....

It was bad enough when I was getting calls like this from the student paper. But since the first one or two of these calls, the rest have been exclusively from so-called professional news organizations, including local television stations and the local NPR affiliate. I just feel mortified for them.

What I'd really like to point out:

(1) Just because you've taken an interest in a topic, or because some other, more competent news organization just made it the hottest subject since toasted snozzberries, doesn't mean there happens to be someone in the department, in the college, in the university, or even the statewide system who researches that one narrow, marginal, academically dubious, or brand-spanking-new field. If you take a stab in the dark and start phoning random local academic departments, realize that's what you're doing and don't expect me to magic forth a previously non-existent snozzfoggling expert out of my ass. Also don't expect me to have memorized the CVs, research interests, and phone numbers of every academic in the university. Especially try not to sound resentful or peevish if I don't.

(2) Do basic research before you call. I don't know of any academic department that doesn't have a website, on which, among other things, you can reliably find the CV of every professor, lecturer, and researcher associated with the department. If you can't find anybody with snozzfoggling in their resume or research interests list on the website, that probably means something.

(3) Just Fucking Google It. For bog's sake, did you at least *try* putting snozzfoggling in the Google engine before you came and bothered me with the task of doing your job for you? No? Are all your typing fingers broken, and those of your assistants as well? Type with your nose then. If you put snozzfoggling in Google, and none of the hits on snozzfoggling show up in conjunction with departments of bumfology, that probably means something too.

(4) I am not Directory Assistance for the entire State of Washington. C'mon people.

ETA: (5) Look at your calendar once in a while. Ladder faculty don't pull a 9-to-5 gig sitting around their offices waiting for calls from idiot reporters at the best of times. The middle of July is not the best of times. The faculty are gone. Flown the coop. Off to the American Crypto-snozzfoggle-ologists Association's Annual Convention, in Cancun. They won't be back until September, when they will deny all knowledge of snozzfoggling again anyway.