Dear Press Corps of the World

[akirlu]

Please learn to do you own mother-cussing, dog-danged, frog-humping jobs. I'm willing to help you if its within my bailiwick. I am not willing to do your job for you.

Sample phone conversation:

Me: "Department of Bumfology, akirlu speaking."

Caller: "Hi, this is Wanda Cluedodger, of KDIM-TV news, and I'm putting together a story on the public reaction to the rise in snozzfoggling. May I speak to one of your snozzfoggling experts, please?"

Me: "Actually, I don't believe we have anyone on the faculty who researches snozzfoggling."

Caller: "What, nobody there AT ALL does snozzfoggling? What about snoozefugling?"

Me: "Well, technically, snozzfoggling AND snoozefugling aren't really part of the study of bumfology at all. If I had to guess, I'd say they were more likely to be researched in a department of parabumfics."

Caller: "Can you connect me to the Department of Parabumfics, please?"

Me: "I'm afraid Generic U doesn't have a Department of Parabumfics."

Caller: "Can you give me the number of a college that DOES have a Department of Parabumfics?"

Me: "I have no idea what colleges may have departments of parabumfics. You might try Generic State, I suppose."

Caller: "Can you connect me?"

And so on....

It was bad enough when I was getting calls like this from the student paper. But since the first one or two of these calls, the rest have been exclusively from so-called professional news organizations, including local television stations and the local NPR affiliate. I just feel mortified for them.

What I'd really like to point out:

(1) Just because you've taken an interest in a topic, or because some other, more competent news organization just made it the hottest subject since toasted snozzberries, doesn't mean there happens to be someone in the department, in the college, in the university, or even the statewide system who researches that one narrow, marginal, academically dubious, or brand-spanking-new field. If you take a stab in the dark and start phoning random local academic departments, realize that's what you're doing and don't expect me to magic forth a previously non-existent snozzfoggling expert out of my ass. Also don't expect me to have memorized the CVs, research interests, and phone numbers of every academic in the university. Especially try not to sound resentful or peevish if I don't.

(2) Do basic research before you call. I don't know of any academic department that doesn't have a website, on which, among other things, you can reliably find the CV of every professor, lecturer, and researcher associated with the department. If you can't find anybody with snozzfoggling in their resume or research interests list on the website, that probably means something.

(3) Just Fucking Google It. For bog's sake, did you at least *try* putting snozzfoggling in the Google engine before you came and bothered me with the task of doing your job for you? No? Are all your typing fingers broken, and those of your assistants as well? Type with your nose then. If you put snozzfoggling in Google, and none of the hits on snozzfoggling show up in conjunction with departments of bumfology, that probably means something too.

(4) I am not Directory Assistance for the entire State of Washington. C'mon people.

ETA: (5) Look at your calendar once in a while. Ladder faculty don't pull a 9-to-5 gig sitting around their offices waiting for calls from idiot reporters at the best of times. The middle of July is not the best of times. The faculty are gone. Flown the coop. Off to the American Crypto-snozzfoggle-ologists Association's Annual Convention, in Cancun. They won't be back until September, when they will deny all knowledge of snozzfoggling again anyway.

Comments

[madwriter.livejournal.com]

My (limited) experience with the press indicates that a lot of its members seem to believe that professors, etc. will be so thrilled to get their name in the papers that they'll bend over backwards to talk to a reporter. My (more extensive) experience with college faculty demonstrates that this is rarely the case in reality.

[akirlu.livejournal.com]

Yes, I do think, especially when dealing with radio and television reporters and researchers, that there is a pretty major expectation that I'll be so star struck by just talking someone Who. Works. In. Broadcast.(Woo.) that I'll be happy to drop everything and do whatever it takes to make their jobs easier. Maybe that's the response from Joe Public. Me, I've met Dick Feynman and gone to school with the Secretary of Transportation's kid, and ridden herd on Jodi Foster and taken a class from Alonzo Church, so I'm just not that impressed with the celebrity of *any* local broadcaster in this little media backwater town, let alone their researchers.

[madwriter.livejournal.com]

I can't say I've had your kind of resume, but my Dad was a newspaper editor, my wife was a local radio news reporter, and one of my sister's best friends is a local TV anchor, so I've had years' worth of inside scoops on mid-sized city journalism. :)

[akirlu.livejournal.com]

It's not so much a resume as a series of oddball accidents of location and timing, but I think once you've lived in LA for a while, especially if you've worked around the periphery of The Industry (entertainment, that is) your threshold for Golly Gee, You're Famous fan-boi/grrlishness goes way up when you get out into the sticks.

[barondave.livejournal.com]

Hmm... I've been on both sides of that conversation. The chances are that the college secretary knows a great deal more than the journalist, at least about connections, and the college is indeed likely to have useful numbers of another college. I did, when I was a college secretary (for certain related departments). A good (ie polite and informed) information scrounger knows who to talk to to find out who to talk to.

On the other hand, most of the news media these days can't justifiably call themselves "journalists", and tend to browbeat anyone who doesn't tell them exactly what they want to hear. In your situation, I have asked them to call me back when they have a better question, or referred them to the phone book (this was in the days before Google and iPhones).

[sartorias.livejournal.com]

Yep. Spouse gets that a lot. amazing, how many people expect him to do their work for him, and for free.

[akirlu.livejournal.com]

It's the expectation that gets me. I'll do a lot for someone who asks me for a favor while acknowledging that it's a favor they're asking for. If they started out saying, "Hey, I know nothing about snozzfoggling OR bumfology, but I have this vague idea that the two might be related -- is there any way you can help me out here, or point me to someone who can?" I would be a lot more sympathetic. I might still only be able to give vague pointers and apply my superior Googlefu on their behalf, but I'm way more likely to do that if we first establish that my help is supererogatory.

[voidampersand.livejournal.com]

Your search - snozzfoggling - did not match any documents.

Suggestions:

• Make sure all words are spelled correctly.
• Try different keywords.
• Try more general keywords.

[akirlu.livejournal.com]

You didn't type it with your nose, did you?

[voidampersand.livejournal.com]

Somehow I don't think there are any safe answers to that one.

It certainly does seem that if you want to corner all the world's googlejuice on snozzfoggling, you're way ahead of the competition. The only question is how long it will take for the "Buy snozzfoggling on eBay" ads to show up.

[milwaukeesfs.livejournal.com]

Doesn't your school have a Public Relations office/Speaker's Bureau/Press office? That's who they should be contacting.

[akirlu.livejournal.com]

Of course we have such an office, though in the typically obfuscatory manner of the university it's hard to guess what they're called. And you're presuming that the reporters know their jobs.

[akirlu.livejournal.com]

"No, no, not *that* Mr. & Mrs. John Smith, the OTHER ONE!" On the other hand, if a Smith falls in the forest and no one can tell which one, does it matter?