Can't We All Just Get Along?
Jul. 3rd, 2008 11:56 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
akirluIn the last year, or so, my social landscape has become increasingly dotted with landmines. A number of the people I know and hold dear are Not Friends Anymore. With each other, I mean. And in pretty much every case, I like all the parties concerned and have not the smallest interest in chosing one over the other, playing favorites, or otherwise reverting to Jr. High social dynamics.
So all this falling out among former friends, lovers, and partners makes me feel sad, inadequate, and dreadfully, dreadfully awkward. I don't really know what to do, when I'm organizing a frimbrezzling expedition, and start assembling a participant list in my head, and then get pulled up short because Ferd and Flossie are both long-time ardent frimbrezzlers, to whom I owe many a brezzled frim, but they're not currently speaking to each other. Furthermore Dolly loves frimbrezzling, and Doris has never been, but would like to try it. Only ever since the blow-up, you can't get the two of them into the same room. Should I invite everybody, and warn them of the guest list, and let them decide? Do I just leave Dolly, Doris, Ferd, and Flossie all off the invitation list and let them draw their own conclusions should they hear about it afterwards? Should I organize two frimbrezzling expeditions, with two different guest lists? Should I just give up on this whole stupid frimbrezzling business and take up a solitary hobby?
The whole thing also makes me angry. I've watched other friends actively disinvite one friend from major events, to make another more comfortable. What the hell? I want everyone to feel welcome and comfortable, but I find it really hard to avoid resenting both the friends doing the disinviting, and the person whose behalf the disinvitation was issued. I think it's a crappy way of handling the whole thing. Except that I don't have a good positive model to substitute for it.
I dunno. Maybe I should write a letter to Miss Manners. Surely there's got to be some extant social etiquette for dealing with your post-divorce friends in a sensitive and loving way? In the mean time, if I put my unbrezzled frims up for sale on craigslist, you'll know why.
Yeah, there are worse problems to have, and yeah, I recognize that other people's pain is not All About Me, but dammit, a happy and well-functioning social network is a precious resource, and there have got to be ways of protecting and nurturing that network, even when some of the nodes drop their connections. Is there a guidebook?
So all this falling out among former friends, lovers, and partners makes me feel sad, inadequate, and dreadfully, dreadfully awkward. I don't really know what to do, when I'm organizing a frimbrezzling expedition, and start assembling a participant list in my head, and then get pulled up short because Ferd and Flossie are both long-time ardent frimbrezzlers, to whom I owe many a brezzled frim, but they're not currently speaking to each other. Furthermore Dolly loves frimbrezzling, and Doris has never been, but would like to try it. Only ever since the blow-up, you can't get the two of them into the same room. Should I invite everybody, and warn them of the guest list, and let them decide? Do I just leave Dolly, Doris, Ferd, and Flossie all off the invitation list and let them draw their own conclusions should they hear about it afterwards? Should I organize two frimbrezzling expeditions, with two different guest lists? Should I just give up on this whole stupid frimbrezzling business and take up a solitary hobby?
The whole thing also makes me angry. I've watched other friends actively disinvite one friend from major events, to make another more comfortable. What the hell? I want everyone to feel welcome and comfortable, but I find it really hard to avoid resenting both the friends doing the disinviting, and the person whose behalf the disinvitation was issued. I think it's a crappy way of handling the whole thing. Except that I don't have a good positive model to substitute for it.
I dunno. Maybe I should write a letter to Miss Manners. Surely there's got to be some extant social etiquette for dealing with your post-divorce friends in a sensitive and loving way? In the mean time, if I put my unbrezzled frims up for sale on craigslist, you'll know why.
Yeah, there are worse problems to have, and yeah, I recognize that other people's pain is not All About Me, but dammit, a happy and well-functioning social network is a precious resource, and there have got to be ways of protecting and nurturing that network, even when some of the nodes drop their connections. Is there a guidebook?
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Date: 2008-07-07 06:14 pm (UTC)A) Small gatherings
I try to egalitarian with my small gatherings. If you are a friend, I make you well aware that there will be a party and who I am inviting and when I will be having an small gathering to which you will be invited. If asked, I will let you know why the invite or not. I find an upfront approach most freeing because my possition is clear from the beginning.
B) Large gatherings
I invite everyone and let people who have trouble work it out. Again I am upfront. My expectation is that you will coming because you feel you will have a good time. My rule "Don't come with a chip on your shoulder."
3) Being invited and/or politely declining
I have found that I don't tend to work well on eggshells or being a fifth wheel and will politely decline if I feel that eggshells or fifth wheelhood is the likely situation. However this only the case where I know that I will be invited to other things. If the invitations are few and far between I will take my chances. Sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn't.
Having had a few recent disasters on this front- I would rather not be put in a "command" performance situation. For good friends I am likely to show up for a "you will be there" despite the eggshell/fifth wheel feeling when really pushed. My expectation on that point is kid gloves will be used. 99% of the time I will have a good time, but in recent history there have been a Minicon and a couple of parties where I went and 'nough said.
4) Not inviting
If I am not invited, I would like to know up front. I will ask why. This eleaviates the self-esteme trashing monsters from invading my brain. Small gatherings are meant to be an opportunity for more direct contact with people. I can totally understand that. If it a large gathering, I would prefer to make the choice as to whether or not to deal with so and so myself.
5) Disinviting someone is very rude as it shows little respect to the person that you invited even if it intended to keep the person from harm.