Another Take On Tone
Mar. 17th, 2014 10:41 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
Consider the possibility that if some one tells you your choice of words makes it hard for some people to hear your message, this may not be a request to shut up, it might just be a request to find better words. If you can't bear to have people ask you to rephrase, perhaps the problem does not lie in them.
no subject
Date: 2014-03-17 07:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-03-17 07:51 pm (UTC)I very rarely see the 'tone' argument invoked in such a way as 'you what a what now? That doesn't quite make sense or I don't think you meant to say that'.
no subject
Date: 2014-03-18 10:30 am (UTC)Also it may be that you are just the last person to step on that particular nerve and that has generated that response.
As a parent I spend a not insubstantial part of my time telling my children variants on the 'you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar' line. So sometimes I might call people on how they are expressing something ebcause if my kids said it like that I'd certainly be calling them on it.
What does it hurt to take a look at how you have expressed something and see if there is a way to restate it that is less inflamatory? Sometimes the tone argument is 'I actually do want to engage with you on this but I'm not willing to invest the time if you're not willing to be polite (aka also invest the time)'.
Which is not to say that people don't abuse the tone argument, just that I think it goes both ways.
no subject
Date: 2014-03-18 03:47 pm (UTC)I also have the issue that as a Brit my 'accent' tends to come through both in spoken and written word and perfectly normal turns of phrase for me might sound weird or insulting to other people. The concept of the 'tone' argument, baring no holds barred insults, seems to turn on people making assumptions about the mind of the author that aren't necessarily true.
That's not to say that there haven't been times when I have used 'withering contempt' to convey my disapproval of a particular position and done so intentionally, but when I do, it's rarely because I actually wish to engage in a discussion. Topics falling into this bucket include anti-vaccination, creationists, libertarians and a few others...)
no subject
Date: 2014-03-18 03:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-03-18 04:56 pm (UTC)I must admit the number of people I saw arguing on the same sides of that issue whom I know can't actually agree on the colour of the sky nor the time of day did bring a slight smile to my face :)
no subject
Date: 2014-03-21 08:18 pm (UTC)Of course, those I've seen invoking 'tone' most often defend their not caring about tone for Really Good Reasons (tm) that apply to them (not you), if one attempts to call them out for 'tone'.
I've found the only way it works is like so much other subjectively interpretable social behaviors: Tone is something you worry about for yourself. It is not something you criticize others for. Because the latter is almost always manipulative social control in place of discussion and, depending on context, either paternalism or authoritarianism.
no subject
Date: 2014-05-13 01:55 am (UTC)Yes! Kinda like the original post, actually.
If you want better words, ask for more and different words. If you want to hear things in a different tone, ask a third party for assistance.